16 channels and nothing on

So I am waiting for the electrician to come and wire our garage for new garage door openers. They said between 8 and noon, and it is now 11:37. I have spent the last three hours and 37 minutes flipping through the 20 or so channels we currently get with our Very Basic cable package. Here’s a sampling…

2 – Dr. Keith Ablow. Psychic twins say Princess Diana’s death was definitely a conspiracy but they can’t tell us who is behind it. Those teases!

3 – A commercial for Smokey’s Mo’s BBQ. I used to eat that all the time when I worked in Round Rock. I would get a baked potato and cut up some turkey to put on top. Mmmmm. Do you want me to tell you more about what I used to eat for lunch last year? Or is that too exciting?

4 – Pat Robertson is on everyday at 11 a.m. His show is disguised to look like a news show. Every day he spotlights a different person living the good Christian life. Right now he is featuring a guy named “Dell” who plays the banjo. He says he really enjoys “touching the audience when I perform.” That doesn’t sound very Christian.

5 – A commercial for lap band surgery. There is a lady in the kitchen and a lion roaring in the next room. I’m not sure what a lion has to do with getting obesity surgery. Maybe when you are fat lions follow you around and try to eat you.

7 – TV Guide Chanel. A show called the Fashion Team is on the top half of the screen. There is a gay guy and a girl who looks vaguely familiar and Hayden Panettiere from Heroes is trying on t-shirts.

8 – Crap local version of CNN. The lunch break forecast is sponsored by Lights Fantastic.

9 – Everyday at this time PBS has a chow called Sit and Get Fit with Mary Anderson. She is a senior gal who wears scrunchy socks and does “exercises” like the elbow rock and the hand wave. Apparently later in life waving will feel like exercise.

10 – Cable access for our town. On September 14 at 8:00 we could go watch Flushed Away at the park.

12 – If teaching doesn’t work out I could go to something called Virginia College in the hood and learn to be a vet tech. And then I could earn $8.50 per hour.

13 – Univision is fantastic. Every time I flip through there is a very pretty drag queen and several small Hispanic men trying to work their way out of some sort of calamity. “Ay dios mio!” I am not disappointed today.

19 – Some kind of weird public access channel. There is a guy saying that if you want to tell if someone is lying you should listen to their voice and not look at their face. And there is a typewriter on the desk behind him, so clearly this is cutting edge research.

20 – The other PBS station. There is a lady stuffing vegetable matter under the skin of a raw chicken, which would be pretty normal. Except that she appears to be grilling this chicken up at Stone Henge. No, for real.

21 – WGN. There is a guy who looks like a cop talking to a guy who looks like a mobster. And the mob guy keeps snorting, so I think he’s on coke. By the way, this is a fictional show, although the description could be from the WGN news. It is in Chicago, after all.

22 – Staticky noise and a freeze frame of Mac Brown at a press conference. It was from back last season when he had that herpes on his lip. The weird thing is that this exact same shot has been on since at least last night. Technical difficulties, much?

24- QVC is offering a “Choice of Diamonique 1.65 ct tw Double Link Rolo Bracelets, 14k. Retail Price: $602, QVC Price: $504, Introductory Price $462.” Oh my God, I love a deal! And I can break it up into three easy payments of only $154, and S&H is free! There is a really sad sounding lady on the phones who is buying this as a birthday present… for herself.

25 – HSN has a gay guy with overly manicured eyebrows who is way too excited about the mattress pad they are currently featuring.

The bad news is that I get to do this again on Monday. The good news is that I will be waiting for the cable guy, who is hooking up real, 100+ channel, digital cable! With a DVR! We are rejoining the civilized world after a year-long experiment. It turns out without real cable we do watch more PBS but don't read or go for walks together any more often. So overall, we might as well rot our brains with delightful cable.

Well, it’s 12:05 now. I must call the electrician and tell them not to bother. I have to go dress shopping, again.

Can I start a fitting room for you?

I just spent about four hours non-stop-shopping. I went in search of a dress to wear to a wedding that Husband is in this weekend. I was excited about this shopping trip because it's the first time since starting grad school that I've felt comfortable spending whatever I feel like on an article of clothing. No more choosing between the two dresses in my size on the TJ Maxx sale rack.

But today was like that first time Julia Roberts goes shopping in Pretty Woman. Except instead of snooty sales girls, it was the dresses themselves conspiring against me. Here's why: (1) All the dresses seemed to come in size 4 or size 12. There is no amount of sucking in that could allow me to fit in a 4. Apparently I should have stayed fat, because if I were still a size 12 I would be set. (2) I don't want to wear a cotton dress to a fancy wedding, or a long dress because I'm not entering a pageant. That leaves about 7% of the dresses in stores right now for me to consider. (3) Summer dresses are not made for girls with boobs. They are cut so bra straps show and it's just not an option for me to go braless. Apparently I can duct tape my boobs together but the removal part scares me.

So now I don't even want to go. Not that I'm not really happy for the couple and everything. But I have literally looked everywhere I can think of and I have nothing to wear. I spent four hours at the mall and I left with two oven mitts to replace the ones Husband ruined with melted cheese (on a side note, I love how Husband makes things with melted cheese overflowing). So right now my options are wearing nothing but two very snazzy new oven mitts, or digging something out of the Goodwill bag in the garage. I hate how men can just wear pants everywhere. Those bastards.

Babies Babies Babies Babies Babies Babies

I have had babies on the brain a lot lately. It started a couple of weeks ago when circumstances in my life (being around numerous pregnant women, celebrating our first anniversary, having a lot of free time on my hands) created some sort of perfect estrogen storm. Since then my ovaries have been dancing around my abdomen singing, "Hello there, old married lady. Remember us? We're ready when you are!"

So Husband and I have had several discussions lately about when exactly we will be ready to take my ovaries up on their offer. While Husband is unwavering in his position that "sometime later" would be the perfect time to have a baby, I have been a little more indecisive.

Sunday 5/20, 5:47 p.m. - Some friends of ours had a baby three weeks ago and we met him last Sunday. He's really, really cute. No, for real. He's not all squishy and red like most little babies. I tell Husband that I would want a baby if I knew it would be as cute as that one.

Monday 5/21, 2:37 a.m. - Dog wants out. I want to be asleep. I'm not sure about this whole baby thing just yet.

Monday 5/21, 4:45 p.m. - I accepted a job for next year, and having a baby my first year of teaching would be way more that I can handle. Ovaries will just have to understand.

Tuesday 5/22, 7:30 p.m. - We run into aforementioned cute baby and his parents at a restaurant. Oh my God, he is even cuter than two days ago. On the way home I put my head Husband's shoulder, stroke his forearm, and describe to him exactly how tiny the baby is. "His little bottom would just fit in my hand," I say, holding my cupped palm in the air for emphasis.

Wednesday 5/23, 1:45 p.m. - Another teacher brings her two month-old baby to school, and he is not that cute. I am confronted with the cold reality that my baby may not be as cute as our friends' baby. I know all babies are beautiful, blah, blah, blah. But I want a legitimately cute baby, not a Muppet cute baby with floppy ears or a big nose. Am I ready to parent an average looking baby? It's a very real possibility I had not previously considered. Hmmmm.

Thursday 5/24, 4:52 a.m. - I just woke up to the sound of Dog gagging. I was going to just go back to sleep, but Husband woke up to check on Dog. Now I have to pretend I didn't just decide to let the dog barf sit on the floor until morning. I have to be all concerned about the Dog and clean up the barf. I think when babies wake up and barf in the middle of the night you can't just go back to sleep. I think you are supposed to clear their airway or something. I am so not ready to have a baby.

That's pretty much where we stand right now. I am totally ready to have a baby in the sense that I know exactly what crib bedding I would buy and I have names picked out. But I am not at all ready to give up sleep and the freedom to travel or my career just yet. Also, I am scared that my baby might not be cute. I think I will be ready to have a baby when I have rational concerns, like my baby being healthy and smart. We are thinking that might happen around the summer of '09. So there you have it. Now if I get pregnant before then everyone will know our baby was an accident.

Google Image Search: Marriage

I've taken a cue from this post and resorted to random Google image searches for blog post inspiration. It works like this: I will search for a marriage-related or other relevant phrase and then post the most interesting picture I find on the first page of search results, along with whatever witty remarks I can think of. Today's word is "marriage."

This reminds me of that part in Bridget Jones' Diary when she is eating ice cream and drinking vodka while watching late night TV. There is a nature show on and the narrator says something like, "Coitus is brief and perfunctory..." It's right after she realized that Daniel Cleever has loved her and left her. And then she sings,"All By Myself" in her flannel jammies. I watched that movie a lot pre-Husband.

The actual point of this picture on the original site is something like this is before marriage, and after marriage the lioness is all, "I have headache. Don't touch me." Just in case you were wondering.

I have a job

It is not my ideal job, but it is a job, and that's fantastic. Mostly because it means I can stop looking for a damn job. But it is in my chosen district, so if I hate it I can always transfer (or get pregnant!). Husband is annoyed because I had multiple offers and in his world I could leverage that and get paid a buttload of money. But in my world it just means that I don't have to look for a job anymore. Did I mention that?

Husband is all cute about it. I called and told him so he left work early to go on "errands" he wouldn't share with me. I asked if he was at the diamond store and he said no. He did go buy me a CD, some really pretty flowers, wine, and all the stuff to make twice-baked-potatoes. Now he's wearing his Longhorn apron and making me dinner. I think he's also celebrating the beginning of combined household income.

Hey, does anyone need 99 plain white 9x13 envelopes? I bought a box of 100 to send out resumes and I've used exactly one.

I should start a "Dear Wife" advice column

Below is an email from a bride friend, along with my experienced wife response. I thought our friend who is getting married in 12 days and who swears she reads the blog might appreciate it.

ok, so have a few questions/thoughts

1. when did weddings start to be about everyone else but the bride and groom

You know, my dad told me that weddings are like funerals - they are for the family, not the guest of honor. After going through the process, I see what he means.

2. the comment "whatever you two want to do." has become a phrase that means nothing. its really what everyone else wants

"Whatever you want to do" is a very passive aggressive statement. The only way to combat it is to go ahead and do whatever you want. If that person (mom or mother-in-law I'm guessing?) really wants their way they should be a grown up and say so. I think "screw you" is a great motto for the bride.

3. is it a bad thought to just want this whole wedding thing to be over with, you don't care what everyone wears, who is there or what the cake tastes like, you just want it over and hearing a mariachi band play pada-dadadadada, dadadadada, padadadadada dadadada. (which means a suite and a jacuzzi in mexico with no family present.)

Later you will be glad you had a wedding. Like a year later. We just had our anniversary a week or so ago and I am just now over hating the wedding experience. So hang in there. In late 2008 you will be glad you did this.

Tonight was delightful

Tonight Husband and I went to dinner for our friend who just/finally graduated from college. I'm not really sure how to explain how awesome it was, except that her mom's toast was, "I'm glad you finally finished something." The food was about the best dinner I've ever had and I had multiple really good cocktails. Everyone at the table was super fun and entertaining. Like we were the least fabulous people there, and we are pretty freaking fabulous.

OMG, TMI!

I got the following email from a friend the other day..

So I have a UTI and I went to the doctor and she went on and on about how teachers get UTIs a lot because they don't pee enough or drink enough. I was like "I'm not a teacher." But I thought I would pass along her warning to you since you actually are a teacher.

See, aren't you glad I'm around?

It reminded me of an unpleasant trip to the student health center my freshman year in college...

ME: I have to pee all the time and it really hurts.
NURSE: Sounds like a urinary tract infection. Have you had intercourse recently?
ME: No. (What I'm really thinking: It's March and I have yet to meet a straight man here. This is the f*cking Village, after all.)
NURSE: Nothing has been bumping up against the area? (Demonstrates what bumping means by smacking her hands together, in case I managed to get into a prestigious university without ever encountering that particular verb.)
ME: Um, no. Is there some kind of prescription you can write or something?
NURSE: You should refrain from having sex, or letting anything bump up against your vulva, until you are done with these antibiotics.
ME: Sure thing.

I hope you enjoyed this post. I wrote it instead of preparing for the job interview I have tomorrow. Wish me luck!

This Weekend

Things that were cool...

• Husband and I celebrated our first anniversary on Sunday. It is nice to have that whole engaged/wedding/newlywed period of our lives behind us. Also, it's nice to have some distance between me and the wedding so I can look back on it with fond memories instead of with obsessive anger toward that bitch florist who screwed up the flowers and other inconsequential catastrophies of the day.
  
• We went out to the country for the weekend. It sounds more fun to say "out to the country," but really it was Bastrop. It was nice to drive away on Friday night and not worry about piles of laundry and papers to grade all weekend.
• We drank a lot and slept a lot. Coincidence?

Things that were not cool...

• We got spa treatments on our trip. This should have been a thing that was cool, but it wasn't. First I had a frustrating discussion with the massage therapist about whether or not I could have the treatment I had booked. It wasn't really an arguement, but one of those conversations that went around and around and around because the other party lacks basic reasoning skills. And then during the massage she kept asking me if I was thinking relaxing thoughts, but with a decidedly accusatory tone, as if she could tell I wasn't. She asked this every time I coughed. So during my massage I thought two thoughts, neither of which were relaxing: "Crapcrapcrapcrapcrap I can't think of anything relaxing," and, "Don'tcoughDon'tcoughDon'tcoughDon'tcough."
• Husband and I came home to find all that laundry and work we had so breezily tossed in the middle of the living room floor before we left, so we ordered pizza tonight instead of cooking dinner. This was ill-advised, especially after a weekend of eating junk food non-stop. Husband threw away the leftover pizza but for some reason left the cheese sticks on the table. There was more than half an order from Papa John's left, which is a fairly large quantity. We went to the grocery store so I could buy juice and cookies for school tomorrow, and Dog got to the remaining cheese sticks and ate all of them. I am so disgusted, but I think Husband is secretly impressed. I just had to get up mid-post to usher a gagging dog out the back door. Now he is looking at me with sad puppy eyes, but I can't even look back. There is a distinctive cheese stick smell coming from his direction.
  

Totally out of context quote

I'm toying with the idea of making this a regular feature on Maridull Bliss. I think we need some regular features so we don't have to actually think of original ideas so much. Tonight's entry...

"I'm the Queeeeeen! Wing the dingy!" -Husband

Good movies and wine

1. We saw Hot Fuzz tonight and it was really good. I have a crush on that British guy now. Simon something. He's cute and funny and hot all at once. Just like Husband!

2. There was a preview for Knocked Up and it looks surprisingly great. I thought Katherine Heigl would be annoying outside of Grey's Anatomy but she looks tolerable. But also it's a Judd Apatow movie and one of my favorite shows ever is Freaks and Geeks. And it stars Seth Rogen and Jason Segal, whom I have adored since Freaks and Geeks. But most importantly Paul Rudd plays a supporting role. He says his marriage is like an episode of Everybody Loves Raymond but not funny and instead of lasting 22 minutes it will last the rest of his life. I [HEART] Paul Rudd.

3. I am not normally a big white wine drinker but Ferrari Carano's Fume Blanc is really, really good on a warm evening. We first tried it on our honeymoon and now they have it at World Market for about $15. You're welcome in advance.

Husband is an asshole

Today he cut one of Dog's nails too short and it bled.

WIFE: It's not bleeding that bad. Just hold a tissue over it and the bleeding will stop.
HUSBAND: I just feel so bad. I'm such a bad puppy parent.
WIFE: It's not even bleeding that much. Don't feel bad. It was bound to happen sometime.
HUSBAND: I know, but when it happened I wanted it... to... be...
WIFE: Be what?! My fault?
HUSBAND: Yeah, I wanted you to do it so he would still love me. You've got the cat on your side. I need one pet to like me.
WIFE: Argh! I can't believe I tried to make you feel better. You know damn well that Cat doesn't like me either.

Lies! All lies!

Husband and I went to Dallas this weekend to attend a party for some friends who are getting married next month. The couple just relocated together and Wife-to-Be was telling us how fabulous it is being engaged and living together and how she's heard it feels different to be married but she just can't imagine how their lives will change. And our response was something like, "Bah! That's what we thought too! Bwaahaahaa!"

We realized that we have a problem with relationship TMI, and we need to get our story straight on this whole marriage thing. People we haven't seen in awhile always ask, "How's married life?" We say something like, "Great... definitely good... well much better than the first few months, that's for sure!" Or if I don't know them very well I say, "Getting better everyday," and inside I think, "Thank God!"

I think most people are just making conversation and don't expect to hear a detailed answer. Any response but "Super!" is kind of socially inept. Apparently every couple actually is super, or maybe their relationship is in crisis and they are doing everything they can to keep that a secret. We are kind of in that gray area in between. There's nothing we need to hide from our friends, but it seems disingenuous to act like being married automatically solves all your problems. In fact, that's a big lie propagated in our society, and I think it's part of the reason that adjusting to being somebody's wife was difficult for me, and for other women I know.

So let me take this opportunity to tell it like it is. Married life is great... now. At first it kind of sucked. The first few months are an adjustment, and it's hard to explain how or why. The best I can do is this: pre-marriage I would wake up in the morning and look over at Husband still asleep and I would think, "Oh isn't he adorable. Soon I will wear a pretty dress and there will be pretty flowers and we will eat cake and dance. People will send us stemware and then we will have babies and love each other forever!" (I know that all sounds trite but I couldn't help myself. I tried. I read The Conscious Bride. But the Wedding Propaganda Machine took over my body.) Shortly after the wedding I looked over at Husband sleeping and thought, "Why the hell is he still asleep? It's not fair I have to get up at 6 a.m. and he's still asleep. That bastard. And I get to watch him snore every morning for the REST OF MY LIFE." And I believe that those are acceptable feelings to have before dawn, but it didn't feel like it at the time because we were supposed to be lovey-dovey newlyweds.