I'm starting to think he's just not that into us

About a month or so ago Husband and I hired a personal trainer. We didn't mean to. It was sort of an accident. But it turns out that besides being a good salesperson P.T. is also really good at what he does to the point that we actually enjoy exercise now. Plus he is ridiculously cheap because he just moved here to Generic Suburb and he is trying to build a client base. So now we (ok, maybe more me) have developed a non-sexual adoration of P.T. And we (I) thought the feeling was mutual, at least until last week.

Saturday was the last session in our package and it was time to reup. I was prepared for P.T. to try to upsell us to the full hour session because we always run over. Or maybe he would talk us into three times a week because he so enjoys our time together. But instead he let our last session come and go without saying a word. When we reminded him he told us to come a few minutes early before our next session so we could fill out the paperwork and pay for the next month.

So on Wednesday night we got there early. As we waited I developed a nauseous sinking feeling and had an internal monologue I haven't experienced since I started dating Husband. "Hmm, I wonder where he is. Is that his car? Why don't men call when they are running late? Maybe that's him. Nope, it's an Asian chick. Gosh, I hope nothing happened to him. Wait, are we being stood up? Oh my God, is he trying to break up with us? Oh never mind, there he is!"

It was so good to know that we hadn't just been dumped by our personal trainer. I'm just not conditioned to deal with that kind of rejection anymore. One of the things I love about being married the knowledge that Husband has a financial incentive not to dump me. But still, I felt that something wasn't right. We had to remind P.T. again at the end of the session about the paperwork and then he almost had us leave without running our credit card. I even asked him if he was trying to break up with us, but in a sad joking-on-the-outside crying-on-the-inside way. I left wondering what had gone wrong. It had all seemed so right just days ago.

On the way home I told Husband about my suspicion that P.T. just isn't that into us anymore. He said I was being absurd and mumbled something about how I shouldn't project all my personal ridiculousness on a business relationship, blah, blah, blah. But a woman knows. P.T. doesn't laugh at our jokes anymore. The witty banter is gone. It's like we are just going through the motions. I'm just not sure how long we can go on like this.

Oh, snap!

Like most people, I tend to think of myself as an "average" person. But Husband likes to remind me that we are indeed above average. And lately the universe seems to be proving him right.

First of all, I was watching The Maury Show yesterday and the guests included a young engaged couple with a baby who came for a DNA test. Now I know what you're thinking. Is he her baby daddy? Will they still get married if she turns out to be a ho? Does the baby look like the daddy in question? Oh, good, she does. She also looks a lot like the baby mama. As a matter of fact, Baby Mama and Baby Daddy look an awful lot alike themselves. Hmmm. That's right: Baby Mama and Baby Daddy have come to Maury to DETERMINE IF THEY ARE BROTHER AND SISTER!!!!

Now let's pause for a moment and think about this. I could understand if they were two unlucky star-crossed lovers who got engaged, had this baby, and then long-lost alcoholic Grandma rolled into town and gave a deathbed confession revealing the true circumstances. But that's not how it went down at all. See, they knew about this possibility BEFORE THEY HOOKED UP!!! Plus, they totally look like brother and sister. Like way more than my brother and I do.

So, of course Maury opens the manila envelope and they are indeed siblings. And the best part is that Brother/Baby Daddy runs off stage and Maury finds him curled up in the fetal position backstage muttering, "You cain't [sic] stop love," over and over again. And Sister/Baby Mama is totally skeeved out and doesn't want to go near him but then he runs up and hugs her because he is so sad that he can no longer HIT IT WITH HIS SISTER. Awkward!

Secondly, Husband and I are planning a trip to Arkansas next month to visit some aged relatives and go on hikes and stuff. I was looking over hotel ratings on tripadvisor.com and came across this gem:

Fine Italian music played in the lovely lobby. It felt like being in Europe, without all those pesky Europeans speaking those foreign languages all over the place.

I am totally not making this up. See? And seeing that it's Arkansas I somehow doubt that the author is being facetious.

Finally, this one is serious and not at all making fun of poor ignorant inbred people. Check out this video called Miniature Earth. It's really cool and is a good reminder that Husband and I are better off than, if not better than, the vast majority of humankind.

So, in summation my friends, take a moment to count your blessings. For example, I am thankful that Husband is not my brother, I am not xenophobic, and I have running water. How about you?

P.S. I am also thankful that the death of Anna Nicole Smith was not the top story on the national news. That would be really depressing.

Breaking News: Guitars are Phallic

This article on CNN.com really has nothing to do with being married. I just thought it was stupid. Seriously, this is the issue of the day?








And as long as we are off topic, I think John Krasinski is yummy.

I was bored so I went to Costco today.

So I think I am what a D.C. policymaker would refer to as the "underemployed." Now that I have a Masters degree I net $63.53 per day as a substitute teacher. And this week I haven't even done that because my employer, Generic Suburb ISD, has been closed for staff development.

So to occupy my underemployed ass I went to Costco today. When Husband and I bought our house the previous owners told us we simply HAD to get a Costco membership if we were going to own a home. They told us this on three separate occasions. We thought they were weird. Turns out they were right. I love Costco. It's like Sam's Club for people with good taste and a social conscience. Here's a summary of my trip to Costco in list form, because I'm too lazy to punctuate.

Things I was supposed to buy...

• Bottled water
• Diet Dr Pepper
• Hand soap

Things I actually bought...

• Bottled water
• Diet Dr Pepper
• Hand soap
• 2 lb. container of strawberries
• 6 pairs of gym socks
• 24 Clif bars
• 36 individually wrapped hunks of cheddar cheese
• Gas for my car
  

Things I wanted to buy...

• A shelving unit for our garage
• A toilet
  
• Pretty flowers
• Sun-dried tomato basil cheese torte
• Dubliner Irish Cheddar (2 lb. wedge)
  
• Package of 24 hand towels
• Package of 12 toothbrushes
  
• A set of patio furniture
  
• Or maybe that other set of patio furniture
• Various pieces of living room furniture, including a leather love seat, an upholstered storage bench, and two green arm chairs
• Bookshelves for Husband's DVD collection
  
• A special issue of Cooking Light magazine about quick weeknight dinners
• An issue of The Economist for Husband
  
• Giant box of Kashi TLC crackers
• Giant box of cheddar cheese flavored Quakes
• Giant box of frozen waffles
  
• Giant box of organic diet soda
  
• 12-pack of clear plastic shoe boxes
• Miscellaneous office supplies
• A trip on an African safari
  
• $8.99 worth of green grapes
• $8.99 worth of red grapes because Husband won't eat the green ones
  
• Organic bananas

When Husband asked about my trip to Costco I emphasized all of the many things I wanted to buy but didn't. It seemed to distract him from inquiring about my plans for two pounds of strawberries, a fruit which only I will eat. Now I've got to stop typing so I can go put on some gym socks, wash my hands with anti-bacterial soap, eat a hunk of cheese, and slice some strawberries.

My Own Pros & Cons

Related to Wife's previous post about the fabulous Pros & Cons of her past trysts, I've decided to save her the effort of compiling that list for me. See below:

PROS:
- Likes sports
- Good at parallel parking
- Speaks seven languages
- Musk
- Encyclopedic knowledge of film trivia
- Likes to be cooked for and cleaned up after
- Enjoys beer
- Not homophobic...... SEEERIOUSLY not homophobic. *wink*
- Good baby daddy material

CONS:
- Humility

Marriage Is Just Like That Show On TV

So we watched the premiere of the new CBS show with David Spade and Patrick Warburton (Seinfeld's Puddy). Overall, it was pretty mediocre, but there were some highlights. My favorite is still the line from all the commercials:

Happy Engaged Dude: "You know, I think marriage is going to be really great!"
Sad Married Guy: "Based on what?"

We were amused by several parts of the show, having been engaged recently enough to remember those shenanigans, and now having been married long enough to appreciate lame sitcom married jokes. However, there was a clearly bitter tinge to the way the married couple is portrayed on the show. Wife and I hope that our blog doesn't give the same impression.

We like the way this blog allows us a forum to publicly yet anonymously bitch about each other, but we don't want to come across as quite that bitter and combative. We each hereby resolve to occasionally say something nice about the other on this blog. But don't worry, there won't be much.

Do I Have to Do Everything Myself?

Apparently so. I'm sorry for the lack of updates lately. Husband kept saying he would write something but here it is Monday morning and you lovely people have nothing to read while avoiding work.

I intended to write more this weekend but Husband and I had a very productive domestic weekend. We are still trying to get unpacked almost seven months after moving into our house. This weekend we attacked the office, and now I have bunches of pretty color coded folders for all of our important papers. Yay label maker!

Anyway, on Saturday night at about 11 p.m. I was trying to dig through a pile of papers about my old 401k and Husband was bothering me so I gave him a box of things I've saved from our dating days to look through for fun. There were old movie stubs, birthday cards, and a letter which neither of us remembers in which he promised me that he would indeed want to marry me in his own time.

So that was all cute and sweet and it kept him occupied for awhile. However, I forgot that the box also had some mementos left over from a couple of guys I dated before Husband. He was all, "We're married now. We don't have any secrets anymore." And I was all (in a screechy howler monkey voice), "Give it to me! Give it to me right now! Ahhhhhh!"

I didn't even remember an apparently serious conversation Husband and I had about our future together, so I had no idea what else might be in that little box. A few years ago my mom gave me a cute Pro/Con pad from Container Store as a stocking stuffer. In a moment of single boredom and probably fueled by wine and/or Haagen-Dazs, I used it to evaluate dead relationships. I decided that the humor of these outweighed the embarrassment and shared them with Husband. Here's a sampling.

Serdar - a guy from Turkey I dated for a couple of months. It was winter and he was cuddly and that was about the extent of things.

Pros:

• He's hot
• He's cuddly
• Good hair
• Nice to my cats
• Tells me I'm pretty

Cons:

• Not a good kisser
• Bad dresser
• Purple car
• Floral sheets
• Language barrier
• No pepperoni (Funny because Husband won't share a pepperoni pizza with me either.)
• Doesn't like football
• Possibly porn on work computer
• Bad teeth
• No long-term potential
• Embarrassed to buy flowers
• Gives bad gifts (Brought me a Charlie Chaplin DVD from Turkey that wouldn't play on my American DVD player. And I wasn't sad. Who buys that for a woman?)
  
• Brings me cheesecake, which makes me fat
  
• General sketchiness

Ben - I believe he was the only guy I met on eHarmony besides Husband who had ever been on a date before. Anyway, we only dated for about a month but it was significant to me because he dumped me. Completely blindsided me. He thought things were moving too fast. He thought I joined eHarmony to find a husband. I thought, "I am really ready for a serious relationship. But first I am going to spend all summer making out with this Ben guy. And then in the fall I will dump him and find a real boyfriend." But you can't tell that to a guy who's just dumped you without sounding like you're back peddling.

Pros:

• Nice apartment
• Affectionate
• Cooks
• Makes me laugh
• Says I'm pretty without makeup
• Good kisser
• Not afraid of children
  
• Handy
• Brings me flowers
• Smells good
  

Cons:

• Too young
• Too much beer
• Too much TV
• [something disparaging about his man parts]
  
• Republican
• Shitty breakup excuse
• Boob pictures (He had a photo album that included a bunch of pictures of female friends topless. I think they were from Mardi Gras, but why would he put that in an album? Especially one that included pictures of his baby nephew? So people would know he had seen boobs before?)
  
• Made my lawn chair bend
• Says "f-in" and "wiener"
• Lied about his height (I didn't care that he was short, just that he was insecure about it.)
  
• Smokes

Hope it was worth the wait. I promise to update more often.