16 channels and nothing on

So I am waiting for the electrician to come and wire our garage for new garage door openers. They said between 8 and noon, and it is now 11:37. I have spent the last three hours and 37 minutes flipping through the 20 or so channels we currently get with our Very Basic cable package. Here’s a sampling…

2 – Dr. Keith Ablow. Psychic twins say Princess Diana’s death was definitely a conspiracy but they can’t tell us who is behind it. Those teases!

3 – A commercial for Smokey’s Mo’s BBQ. I used to eat that all the time when I worked in Round Rock. I would get a baked potato and cut up some turkey to put on top. Mmmmm. Do you want me to tell you more about what I used to eat for lunch last year? Or is that too exciting?

4 – Pat Robertson is on everyday at 11 a.m. His show is disguised to look like a news show. Every day he spotlights a different person living the good Christian life. Right now he is featuring a guy named “Dell” who plays the banjo. He says he really enjoys “touching the audience when I perform.” That doesn’t sound very Christian.

5 – A commercial for lap band surgery. There is a lady in the kitchen and a lion roaring in the next room. I’m not sure what a lion has to do with getting obesity surgery. Maybe when you are fat lions follow you around and try to eat you.

7 – TV Guide Chanel. A show called the Fashion Team is on the top half of the screen. There is a gay guy and a girl who looks vaguely familiar and Hayden Panettiere from Heroes is trying on t-shirts.

8 – Crap local version of CNN. The lunch break forecast is sponsored by Lights Fantastic.

9 – Everyday at this time PBS has a chow called Sit and Get Fit with Mary Anderson. She is a senior gal who wears scrunchy socks and does “exercises” like the elbow rock and the hand wave. Apparently later in life waving will feel like exercise.

10 – Cable access for our town. On September 14 at 8:00 we could go watch Flushed Away at the park.

12 – If teaching doesn’t work out I could go to something called Virginia College in the hood and learn to be a vet tech. And then I could earn $8.50 per hour.

13 – Univision is fantastic. Every time I flip through there is a very pretty drag queen and several small Hispanic men trying to work their way out of some sort of calamity. “Ay dios mio!” I am not disappointed today.

19 – Some kind of weird public access channel. There is a guy saying that if you want to tell if someone is lying you should listen to their voice and not look at their face. And there is a typewriter on the desk behind him, so clearly this is cutting edge research.

20 – The other PBS station. There is a lady stuffing vegetable matter under the skin of a raw chicken, which would be pretty normal. Except that she appears to be grilling this chicken up at Stone Henge. No, for real.

21 – WGN. There is a guy who looks like a cop talking to a guy who looks like a mobster. And the mob guy keeps snorting, so I think he’s on coke. By the way, this is a fictional show, although the description could be from the WGN news. It is in Chicago, after all.

22 – Staticky noise and a freeze frame of Mac Brown at a press conference. It was from back last season when he had that herpes on his lip. The weird thing is that this exact same shot has been on since at least last night. Technical difficulties, much?

24- QVC is offering a “Choice of Diamonique 1.65 ct tw Double Link Rolo Bracelets, 14k. Retail Price: $602, QVC Price: $504, Introductory Price $462.” Oh my God, I love a deal! And I can break it up into three easy payments of only $154, and S&H is free! There is a really sad sounding lady on the phones who is buying this as a birthday present… for herself.

25 – HSN has a gay guy with overly manicured eyebrows who is way too excited about the mattress pad they are currently featuring.

The bad news is that I get to do this again on Monday. The good news is that I will be waiting for the cable guy, who is hooking up real, 100+ channel, digital cable! With a DVR! We are rejoining the civilized world after a year-long experiment. It turns out without real cable we do watch more PBS but don't read or go for walks together any more often. So overall, we might as well rot our brains with delightful cable.

Well, it’s 12:05 now. I must call the electrician and tell them not to bother. I have to go dress shopping, again.