When Harry Met Sally

When a man loves a woman very much, sometimes they experience the physical act of love. It's a very beautiful thing, and it's nothing to be ashamed of. Unless you're a dirty whore with herpes. In that case, you need to go elsewhere for your happily ever after, like here.

Yes, as the fine folks at CNN.com tell us, when you combine the power of the internet with the itching, burning... uh... need for love? You get online communities dedicated to helping those stricken with STDs to find similarly afflicted companions. It's really an ingenious idea, and as a big proponent of the Internet, I have to say I'm impressed by the utility of this phenomenon.

Let's say you're a perfectly nice chap (or lass) who happens to have one too many margaritas at Happy Hour, and next thing you know... POW!! Herpes! Or maybe you're a wrestler in Minnesota. POW!! Herpes! No matter how it happens, you're now stuck with an awkward "Say hello to my leeeetle friend!" moment awaiting every potential suitor. That has to put a damper on your marketability as a single person looking to find love and not necessarily more herpes.

I think it's great that these people can intermingle and date within a comfort zone of potential hookups that you already know are sketchy and disease-ridden. I can just imagine the "eHarmony: STD Remix" ads for these folks.

Background music: "doo... doo... doo... doodittydoo... THIS WILL BE..." etc.

HIM: The first time we met...
HER: It was like magic!
HIM: Magic! Yeah! The itching and burning stopped...
HER: Almost immediately!
HIM: It was like magic.

Imagine the power of attraction ignited by deep compatibility and the ability to share everything with each other... EVERYTHING!!!

I should go journal about my journey. Or maybe just barf.

As I have mentioned, Husband and I have been going to the gym lately, and I am also doing Weight Watchers (again). This time I'm doing it online because I got tired of going to meetings and listening to morbidly obese women argue about the points value of a cup of baby carrots. Is it one or zero? Cause eating carrots is definitely what made it so they can't see their feet. Also I don't enjoy listening to poems written from the perspective of a chocolate chip cookie that doesn't want me to eat it.

I chose Monday as my weigh-in day to force me not to eat Cheetos all weekend, and it's generally been working. What has not been working, unfortunately, is exercise. It seems to have thrown my body into a state of panic because I have never ever in my life managed to exercise this regularly for this long. It has engaged some sort of primal instinct, very oh God the mammoths are becoming extinct, must conserve all body fat in a dimply manner on thighs for coming apocalypse.

So today I entered my weight, up 0.4 pounds from last week, and I get this encouraging message...

"GREAT JOB for logging your weight! We notice that you've gained a little this week. You should know that gaining weight every now and then is a natural part of the weight-loss journey. Here are our tips for getting back on track." And then it proceeded to tell me that I can jump start my weight loss by eating less and exercising more, before closing with a very bitchy "Good luck this week. No one likes a fat ass!" Although it's possible that the last part was only in my head. Also, am I the only one who noticed that the disapproving not-quite-smiley, not-quite-frowny face even looks fat? I find that face hostile. I wonder how much weight I would have to gain for it to be an all-out frowny face. And would that face look even fatter?

Friday Night

Here's a rundown of our Friday night...

We started out by meeting my parents, my brother, and my brother's girlfriend for dinner. Friday Night Dinner began many years ago when my mom said, "%$@* if I'm cooking on a Friday night," and has been a tradition ever since. I was especially fond of it when I was single and poor, and Husband and I still try to make it when we can.

Anyway, we went to Luby's because we couldn't agree on anything better. We sat down next to a large wholesome family who happened to be saying grace as we arrived. So of course Husband is all, "Wait everybody, don't forget to pray!" in a sarcastic, not at all quiet voice. I told him he was going to hell and moved on with my dinner. Then my mom started telling a story about a crazy panhandling woman who accosted her at the mall. "She said she used to have a job, but then she hurt her leg, and now she only has one pair of underwear, so I gave her $10." Right on cue, as my mom uttered "one pair of underwear" the Praying Mom from the next table whipped her head around to flash a dour, disapproving look. Apparently she would prefer to shield her small children from the reality of poor people without sufficient underwear supplies, at least at the dinner table. So I whisper to my mom, "That lady totally turned around when you said underwear!" and my mom said (not in a whisper), "Well, I don't know what her problem is. I was just telling a story. I'm wearing underwear."

At dinner we found out that my brother's band was playing later that night. It's called Black Panda, and my brother somehow happened into the band a couple of months ago when he answered an ad for a used bass amp. They have played a handful of shows since he joined and we haven't made it to one yet, so I insisted that we go and Husband was game.

We met up a few hours later and waited outside while the first band played. I found my brother hunched over a pizza box that was sitting on top of a car hood. He said, "Want some? It's part of our payment." Then a few minutes later a couple of girls walked out. "Um, we're gonna go." At first I thought they knew my brother, but then I realized that he had just chosen their car to set down their pizza and beer. "Could you, um, move that?"

Soon enough it was Black Panda time. The band consists of my brother on bass, a couple of pretty good guitar players, an awesome girl drummer, and the lead singer. I was a little surprised that I really enjoyed the music. It's not that I thought they would suck, it's just that my brother and I are very different people and we do not share the same taste in music at all.
I should clarify that I did enjoy the music until the lead singer started screaming. Then it kind of hurt my ears. He is a small Japanese man who was quite friendly before and after they played, but appeared to be in some sort of distress as he sang. Husband likened him to a cross between Michael Stipe from R.E.M. and the Japanese Johnny Carson character in Lost in Translation.

After they played the last song the band all huddled up and had a little chat as we all watched. I thought it was an anticlimactic way to end the set, made more so about 20 seconds later when the lead singer said, "Uh, that...that's it." Apparently there was some sort of dispute as to whether or not they had played all six of their songs. After the show I told my brother that they should work on something more impressive. Maybe shout, "We are Black Panda! Good night!" before throwing down the mic.

Hrumph. Husband has censored what I was going to say. Even though I was going to say something nice, apparently he doesn't like it when I compare our families. It seems to be a bit of a sore spot. Especially because my family is obviously way cooler. So instead I will just say that I am very proud of my brother.

Subbing is the worst job I've ever had

I'm kind of in a complainy mood today, but such is (my) life...

Today I subbed for a Kindergarten class. I had to listen to a song called "Who Let the Letters Out." On repeat. It goes something like this...

Who let the A out, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah
Who let the B out, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh
Who let the C out, cuh, cuh, cuh, cuh, cuh

You get the idea. Or if you don't, let me help you out by saying "Who Let the Dogs Out." It was performed by a cheerful lady named Dr. Jean with backup vocals by a random group of tone deaf children. Much like the wedding post, I wish this hadn't really happened, but it did.

People keep telling me I'm really good with the small children and that I should look for a Kinder job. But I simply cannot listen to this shit everyday of my life.

Updated to Add: Today I spent two hours officiating Color & Shape Bingo. "Red square... red square. Blue triangle... blue triangle. Pink circle... pink circle." And on... and on... and on...

Getting married is like 'Nam

A friend of mine just got engaged and she has asked me, as a recovering bride, for some advice. I feel kind of like I'm experiencing PTSD. Am I the only one who hated getting married? Seriously, I hated pretty much the whole thing except for the cake tastings. I hated trying to find a dress that didn't look stupid and trendy and would therefore make my wedding photos look soooooo 2006. I hated that I picked a sketchy florist who really let me down. I hated being trapped in a stationery store with my mother- and sister-in-law for almost two hours while we discussed whether or not it would be possible to imprint our names in cursive on paisley napkins. [Note: I wish I was kidding, or exaggerating, or that somehow that didn't really happen. But it totally did.] I hated that vendors would try to sell me crap I didn't need for way more than it was worth because it was my special, special day.

My friend, who hates weddings, is now in the interesting position of planning one. At least I started off excited about the process. Wedding Hater just emailed me to say that the agony (less than a week old at this point) is giving her a new found appreciation for the city of Las Vegas.

P.S. Being married itself isn't so bad, now that Husband and I are getting the hang of it.

P.P.S. Mmmm...Cake...

Maybe he's just seen too many movies...

Last night Husband and I were watching Law & Order: SVU. I love this show, which I think is a little weird since it's all about rapes and stuff. But I think Christopher Meloni is really talented and probably also crazy, and Mariska Hargitay is adorable and I wish I could make my bangs look like hers but God won't allow it.

Anyway, as Detective Stabler was chasing down leads in last night's episode he ended up busting into a room with a bunch of people in their underwear sitting around a table full of drugs. Husband immediately, I mean no hesitation at all, says, "Oh, they're in their underwear so they can't steal the drugs." So this means that Husband (a) is really really smart and can instantaneously deduce that these naked people are workers and the drug lord won't let them wear clothes so they have nowhere to hide stolen drugs, or (b) Husband is secretly a drug lord, or possibly (c) Husband worked his way through college by packing up drugs in his undies.

You think you know a person.

These are the days of our lives

I feel obligated to try and write a post everyday, but I am lacking in inspiration at the moment. Here's a quick update on our lives...

1. P.T. is into us after all. We were at the gym last night and he was there even though we didn't have an appointment. It was like he just couldn't wait for our next date on Wednesday. Although now we aren't sure if we are that into him. He talked to Husband about credit scores and other not-at-all-relevant things for about 15 minutes while Husband was trying to run on the treadmill. It was a little needy. We are feeling stifled.
   
2. Husband and I are thinking about going on a beachy vacation. I used to think they were kind of a waste of time/money. Like every vacation should be jam packed with sightseeing and new experiences. Lately I'm thinking I would like to experience a waiter bringing me an icy beverage when I flip up a little flag on my beach chair. I'd like to experience that over and over again. Anyone have any suggestions?
   
3. Cat is still mentally unbalanced and Dog is still gross. He just burped himself awake. And then stepped on the remote and changed the channel. I want a kitten. I think we're due a non-obnoxious pet.
   
4. We spent the weekend cleaning out the garage. We have a bunch of crap we don't want anymore. I think it might be fun to have a garage sale and Husband wants to haul it all to Goodwill. What do you think?

He can't get away with this by saying, "Well, I'm really more of a visual person."

A conversation that occurred in our kitchen this morning...
HUSBAND: Is there a message on the machine? [begins playing message before I can reply]
WIFE: Yeah, that's an old message from that lady who wants me to sub for her and I saved it so I can write down her numbers.
ANSWERING MACHINE: BEEEEEEP!! Message deleted.
WIFE: Did you just delete it?
HUSBAND: You said it was an old message, right?
WIFE: Yes, right before I said that I am saving it so I can write down her number.
HUSBAND: [A string of apologies that, while appreciated, will not unerase my message.]

And later as we were cleaning out the garage...
WIFE: Okay, here's a big black trash bag for all the trash.
HUSBAND: Great idea!
[30 seconds later Husband is walking toward big trash can with handful of packing peanuts, etc.]
WIFE: Is that trash?
HUSBAND: Yeah.
WIFE: Well, why don't you put it in the bag? If you put it in there loose it just ends up all over the street when they dump the big trash can.
HUSBAND: Well, can you go get me a bag out of the kitchen then?
WIFE: Are you serious?!
HUSBAND: [confused look] Well, I guess I can go get one myself. Geez.

Hmm. I'm beginning to wonder if Husband is EVER actually listening when I talk.

Valentine's Day is for suckers

Last night I felt some sort of obligation to make our first married Valentine's Day special. I spent all afternoon cooking and husband cleaned the house and then we both changed into pretty clothes to enjoy our dinner. Then the wheels kind of came off dinner (see #1 below) and I was tired and grumpy so I went and changed into my jammies. Here's a more detailed review of the ups and downs of the day...

Bad things that happened on Valentine's Day...

1. I made twice baked potatoes as a special treat and Husband decided to show his appreciation by turning on the broiler and burning them.
2. I broke one of our ramekins, a wedding present which I hadn't even used yet.
   
3. I made chicken stuffed with goat cheese but I don't like goat cheese. I should. I like every other kind of cheese, but somehow I keep forgetting that I hate goat cheese.
4. I tried a Weight Watchers recipe for chocolate bundt cake. It turns out that cake with no oil at all is neither yummy nor visually appealing.
5. "Everyday is Valentine's Day for us." -My aesthetician (or, for you men, a lady who pulls out unwanted hairs). Oh barf.
   

Good things that happened on Valentine's Day...

1. I probably saw a tranny at the grocery store.
2. "And this music! Dude, I am seriously going to blow my head off if I have to listen to this the rest of the day." -Grocery Stocker Guy, to Grocery Stocker Guy #2, in response to horrid Valentine's themed muzac playing throughout the store.
3. Good thing: Husband and I have already made plans for next Valentine's Day. Great thing: it's a six pack of Shiner and a pizza.

I suppose in a way Husband and I could say that everyday is Valentine's Day for us. I make something for dinner because I know it's what he really wants. He sweeps up the shards when I break stuff. Over the course of months and years these have turned into romantic gestures. In retrospect I'm not really sure what I was expecting last night. That this Hallmark holiday would magically turn us into fabulous airbrushed people who don't screw stuff up all the time? That was stupid.

My Love, My Flower... Valentine's Day Redux

The following is dedicated in loving response to this post.

Girl,

You are my eternity, my roller coaster of love... my precious. We have been together for so long, the passenger seat of my sweet ride no longer remembers the warmth of another woman's ass. I marvel at your beauty and gaze wondrously at your humps and lady lumps, wondering how next you will seek to employ the entirety of the junk in your trunk. Girl, it's almost Valentine's Day, and you know I am going to lay it all on the line for you. So let me break down my plans to rock your body this Valentine's Day:

First, I will wake up in the morning and not hit the snooze button. I know how sensitive my lady's ears are to the Sprint PCS polymorphic ring-tones which awaken me from my manly slumber. I will rise immediately and go into the bathroom, and there I will pee... and possibly poop. But then I will step into a hot shower and wash myself clean with my new bar of Lever 2000 soap. I will rinse and repeat with my shampoo, which is Tressemme, a word that is French for "damn fine looking man hair."

After the shower, I will dry myself with a towel. I will then put on underwear because I don't roll commando style. I will then eat breakfast and go to work, where I make money to buy you pretty shiny things, and the occasional office supplies. I will leave work early and pick you up some flowers on the way home. I will find you the prettiest roses. They will smell like a garden of beauty. You will have only the finest floral arrangements that HEB has to offer.

I will drive home with your flowers, and I will take the flowers out of my car and into my arms as I walk into our home. I will open the door and brandish the flowers before your loving eyes like a trophy of my affection. I will hand them to you with a look in my eyes that says, "I will rock your body."

Girl, I will rock your body.

I will seat myself at the table where you have prepared a wonderful dinner. I will eat the food you have prepared and compliment you on your cooking. Girl, damn you can cook good. Did I mention that I will rock your body? Nevermind that for now, have another glass of wine. That necklace really brings out your eyes, girl. Do you remember the first time that we kissed? It was a magical moment. And we're about to make some more magic now girl. As I have previously stated, I will rock your body. And by the way, these potatoes have a really nice flavor. You must have used garlic salt, girl. You know what I like.

And I know what you like, girl. I will take you into our bedroom, and I will make sweet love to you. It will last for approximately 4.2 seconds of heavenly bliss. And then, when the short but sweet body-rocking has subsided, I will fall asleep with my arm awkwardly draped around your body. I would like to have stayed awake longer, but damn girl, those potatoes are making me sleepy. Girl.

My love, my flower

I'm too lazy to write an original post today so I recycled this love email I sent to husband about a month after we got married. I am still waiting for his reply. Feel free to gank any or all of my glorious verbiage for your own Valentine card.

My love,

I've been thinking a lot about us lately and I wanted to take the few minutes I have before class starts to tell you just how I feel. As I reflect over our lives together I am more and more excited everyday about this journey we are on. Your loving face enters my mind and at once a calm fills my body. The minutes pass like hours until I can feel your warm embrace. My womb aches to carry your child. You are the eighth wonder of my world. My soul, my all, is wrapped in your being. Your presence is like water to my life. I can't wait to see where our lives will take us. I know together we can do anything!!!! You are my flower.

With greatest love and devotion,

Your eternal life mate

Wife's a Wheel Watcher

For those of you who don't know, Wife is an unabashed "Wheel of Fortune" groupie. This one goes out to Wife, with love.

Side note... Our marriage almost dissolved over Christmas when we started playing the TV plug-and-play Wheel of Fortune game I put in her stocking. I went on a tear winning 4 games in a row, and she decided she didn't want to play anymore. Harsh words were spoken on both sides. However, she rebounded the next day, and I don't think I've won a game since then. And yes, we keep score.

Rockin' The Suburbs

Tonight turned into an inadvertently romantic evening. First we grabbed a quick slice of pizza from our friendly neighborhood Generic Suburb New Jersey Mafia Pizza Parlor.

After that, we went to PetSmart to get Dog a new leather collar since his regular collar appears to be aggravating his skin. While we were there, we also picked up a refill for Cat's little scratcher toy thingy, which is basically an overpriced hunk of corrugated cardboard.

Wife also wanted to stop at the Office Max next door since she needed some blue poster board for a little project she was working on for her substitute teaching repertoire.

As it turns out, Wife and I both share a deep love of browsing aisles and aisles of office supplies. I prefer the organizational planners and memo pads and such. Wife prefers crates for hanging file folders. Needless to say, we both had a grand ol' time. And it wasn't even date night! (Somewhere in my head, I can hear Will Ferrell saying "Gonna be a nice little Saturday... Gonna go to Home Depot, maybe Bad Bath & Beyond, I don't know! I don't know if we'll have enough time!!")

We came home, and tomorrow's trash day, so we had to get all the trash in the house bundled up and taken out to the curb for tomorrow morning's pickup. While we were in the garage taking out the garbage, we wound up brainstorming on ways to organize our garage, most of which involving various supplies we would be purchasing at Costco (shocking, right?).

After all that excitement, we came back inside and tried out the dog collar and cat scratcher we bought at PetSmart. Turns out we suck at buying things for Cat and Dog. Dog's collar was too big, and so was the refill for Cat's scratcher thingy. There's not much I can do about the collar; we'll just have to take that back. However, we decided to get adventurous with the cat scratcher thingy.

Wife and I had the exact same thought right at the same time: this was a perfect opportunity to play with our electric carving knife, one of our favorite and least exercised wedding presents. Well, it turns out if you take an electric knife to a cat scratcher thingy, all you get is a lot of sawdust. So I took the thingy outside and sawed off the edge with a hand saw my dad gave me as part of a housewarming gift bundle o' tools. I brought it back in, and it fit perfectly. Cat proceeded to go ape shit, scratching and rubbing herself all over the damn thing.

In summary, holy shit, I am the most domesticated man alive, and I don't even know how or when this happened to me. I'm going to go snort some cocaine off a dead hooker, excuse me...

Ridiculous Dog

Husband and I make up songs to sing to our pets. Sometimes we rewrite lyrics of current pop songs. It started with Cat and the classics "Get down Cat, go 'head get down. Uh!" (a la "Gold Digger") when she is on top of the wobbly bookshelf and "You're my naughty cat. Meow!" (shout out to my girl Beyonce!!!) pretty much every other moment of the day. Lately we've added "She's just so gray and furry, j-j-just so gray and furry" to the tune of "Ridin' Dirty" (or "White and Nerdy").

Anyway, this evening husband wanted to play me a sweet song mentioned on a friend's blog. As often happens in our household, Husband's suggestion reminded me of something else I find more interesting because it was my idea. And, ACTION!

HUSBAND: Hey, c'mere so I can play you that John Mayer song.
WIFE: Okay. Oh, look at our cute dog! Oooh, ooh! [singing] Ridiculous dog, I love you so much, your tummy's so fat, you're so furry. [cue dancing] Bomp bomp bomp ba da da domp, bomp bomp bomp ba da da domp.
HUSBAND: You done?
WIFE: I need to play you that horrible Nelly Furtado song.
HUSBAND: But I have John Mayer all cued up.
WIFE: [singing and starting up laptop] Ridiculous dog, I love you so much...
HUSBAND: [dejected look]
WIFE: But I need to play it for you because I'm making up a song for the dog. It's called "Promiscuous Girl" but I changed it to "Ridiculous Dog." See?!
HUSBAND: [blank stare]

And, Scene.

Side note: What the hell happened to Nelly Furtado? Crying on the inside people, crying on the inside. Click on the photo to jump to a post on Go Fug Yourself, one of my favorite websites.

OMG, i cant w8 2 b a tchr

So for those of you who don't know, the reason this blog is anonymous is that I, Wife, am a teacher in search of a job. I am afraid that I will be blacklisted if Generic Suburb ISD finds out that I am a Democrat. Also, I'd prefer it if this picture is the top search result when my students google me. Number two is the biography of some Puritan lady.

As a teacher, I was a bit horrified to see this article on CNN.com.

"But an increasing number of Austin's eighth-graders also submit classwork containing 'b4,' 'ur,' '2' and "wata" -- words that may confuse adults but are part of the teens' everyday lives."

I also feel really lame. What does "wata" mean? It sounds kind of like "water." Or possibly "waiter." Why are the teens IMing each other about water? Or waiters? I am so out of touch.

I'm starting to think he's just not that into us

About a month or so ago Husband and I hired a personal trainer. We didn't mean to. It was sort of an accident. But it turns out that besides being a good salesperson P.T. is also really good at what he does to the point that we actually enjoy exercise now. Plus he is ridiculously cheap because he just moved here to Generic Suburb and he is trying to build a client base. So now we (ok, maybe more me) have developed a non-sexual adoration of P.T. And we (I) thought the feeling was mutual, at least until last week.

Saturday was the last session in our package and it was time to reup. I was prepared for P.T. to try to upsell us to the full hour session because we always run over. Or maybe he would talk us into three times a week because he so enjoys our time together. But instead he let our last session come and go without saying a word. When we reminded him he told us to come a few minutes early before our next session so we could fill out the paperwork and pay for the next month.

So on Wednesday night we got there early. As we waited I developed a nauseous sinking feeling and had an internal monologue I haven't experienced since I started dating Husband. "Hmm, I wonder where he is. Is that his car? Why don't men call when they are running late? Maybe that's him. Nope, it's an Asian chick. Gosh, I hope nothing happened to him. Wait, are we being stood up? Oh my God, is he trying to break up with us? Oh never mind, there he is!"

It was so good to know that we hadn't just been dumped by our personal trainer. I'm just not conditioned to deal with that kind of rejection anymore. One of the things I love about being married the knowledge that Husband has a financial incentive not to dump me. But still, I felt that something wasn't right. We had to remind P.T. again at the end of the session about the paperwork and then he almost had us leave without running our credit card. I even asked him if he was trying to break up with us, but in a sad joking-on-the-outside crying-on-the-inside way. I left wondering what had gone wrong. It had all seemed so right just days ago.

On the way home I told Husband about my suspicion that P.T. just isn't that into us anymore. He said I was being absurd and mumbled something about how I shouldn't project all my personal ridiculousness on a business relationship, blah, blah, blah. But a woman knows. P.T. doesn't laugh at our jokes anymore. The witty banter is gone. It's like we are just going through the motions. I'm just not sure how long we can go on like this.

Oh, snap!

Like most people, I tend to think of myself as an "average" person. But Husband likes to remind me that we are indeed above average. And lately the universe seems to be proving him right.

First of all, I was watching The Maury Show yesterday and the guests included a young engaged couple with a baby who came for a DNA test. Now I know what you're thinking. Is he her baby daddy? Will they still get married if she turns out to be a ho? Does the baby look like the daddy in question? Oh, good, she does. She also looks a lot like the baby mama. As a matter of fact, Baby Mama and Baby Daddy look an awful lot alike themselves. Hmmm. That's right: Baby Mama and Baby Daddy have come to Maury to DETERMINE IF THEY ARE BROTHER AND SISTER!!!!

Now let's pause for a moment and think about this. I could understand if they were two unlucky star-crossed lovers who got engaged, had this baby, and then long-lost alcoholic Grandma rolled into town and gave a deathbed confession revealing the true circumstances. But that's not how it went down at all. See, they knew about this possibility BEFORE THEY HOOKED UP!!! Plus, they totally look like brother and sister. Like way more than my brother and I do.

So, of course Maury opens the manila envelope and they are indeed siblings. And the best part is that Brother/Baby Daddy runs off stage and Maury finds him curled up in the fetal position backstage muttering, "You cain't [sic] stop love," over and over again. And Sister/Baby Mama is totally skeeved out and doesn't want to go near him but then he runs up and hugs her because he is so sad that he can no longer HIT IT WITH HIS SISTER. Awkward!

Secondly, Husband and I are planning a trip to Arkansas next month to visit some aged relatives and go on hikes and stuff. I was looking over hotel ratings on tripadvisor.com and came across this gem:

Fine Italian music played in the lovely lobby. It felt like being in Europe, without all those pesky Europeans speaking those foreign languages all over the place.

I am totally not making this up. See? And seeing that it's Arkansas I somehow doubt that the author is being facetious.

Finally, this one is serious and not at all making fun of poor ignorant inbred people. Check out this video called Miniature Earth. It's really cool and is a good reminder that Husband and I are better off than, if not better than, the vast majority of humankind.

So, in summation my friends, take a moment to count your blessings. For example, I am thankful that Husband is not my brother, I am not xenophobic, and I have running water. How about you?

P.S. I am also thankful that the death of Anna Nicole Smith was not the top story on the national news. That would be really depressing.

Breaking News: Guitars are Phallic

This article on CNN.com really has nothing to do with being married. I just thought it was stupid. Seriously, this is the issue of the day?








And as long as we are off topic, I think John Krasinski is yummy.

I was bored so I went to Costco today.

So I think I am what a D.C. policymaker would refer to as the "underemployed." Now that I have a Masters degree I net $63.53 per day as a substitute teacher. And this week I haven't even done that because my employer, Generic Suburb ISD, has been closed for staff development.

So to occupy my underemployed ass I went to Costco today. When Husband and I bought our house the previous owners told us we simply HAD to get a Costco membership if we were going to own a home. They told us this on three separate occasions. We thought they were weird. Turns out they were right. I love Costco. It's like Sam's Club for people with good taste and a social conscience. Here's a summary of my trip to Costco in list form, because I'm too lazy to punctuate.

Things I was supposed to buy...

• Bottled water
• Diet Dr Pepper
• Hand soap

Things I actually bought...

• Bottled water
• Diet Dr Pepper
• Hand soap
• 2 lb. container of strawberries
• 6 pairs of gym socks
• 24 Clif bars
• 36 individually wrapped hunks of cheddar cheese
• Gas for my car
  

Things I wanted to buy...

• A shelving unit for our garage
• A toilet
  
• Pretty flowers
• Sun-dried tomato basil cheese torte
• Dubliner Irish Cheddar (2 lb. wedge)
  
• Package of 24 hand towels
• Package of 12 toothbrushes
  
• A set of patio furniture
  
• Or maybe that other set of patio furniture
• Various pieces of living room furniture, including a leather love seat, an upholstered storage bench, and two green arm chairs
• Bookshelves for Husband's DVD collection
  
• A special issue of Cooking Light magazine about quick weeknight dinners
• An issue of The Economist for Husband
  
• Giant box of Kashi TLC crackers
• Giant box of cheddar cheese flavored Quakes
• Giant box of frozen waffles
  
• Giant box of organic diet soda
  
• 12-pack of clear plastic shoe boxes
• Miscellaneous office supplies
• A trip on an African safari
  
• $8.99 worth of green grapes
• $8.99 worth of red grapes because Husband won't eat the green ones
  
• Organic bananas

When Husband asked about my trip to Costco I emphasized all of the many things I wanted to buy but didn't. It seemed to distract him from inquiring about my plans for two pounds of strawberries, a fruit which only I will eat. Now I've got to stop typing so I can go put on some gym socks, wash my hands with anti-bacterial soap, eat a hunk of cheese, and slice some strawberries.

My Own Pros & Cons

Related to Wife's previous post about the fabulous Pros & Cons of her past trysts, I've decided to save her the effort of compiling that list for me. See below:

PROS:
- Likes sports
- Good at parallel parking
- Speaks seven languages
- Musk
- Encyclopedic knowledge of film trivia
- Likes to be cooked for and cleaned up after
- Enjoys beer
- Not homophobic...... SEEERIOUSLY not homophobic. *wink*
- Good baby daddy material

CONS:
- Humility

Marriage Is Just Like That Show On TV

So we watched the premiere of the new CBS show with David Spade and Patrick Warburton (Seinfeld's Puddy). Overall, it was pretty mediocre, but there were some highlights. My favorite is still the line from all the commercials:

Happy Engaged Dude: "You know, I think marriage is going to be really great!"
Sad Married Guy: "Based on what?"

We were amused by several parts of the show, having been engaged recently enough to remember those shenanigans, and now having been married long enough to appreciate lame sitcom married jokes. However, there was a clearly bitter tinge to the way the married couple is portrayed on the show. Wife and I hope that our blog doesn't give the same impression.

We like the way this blog allows us a forum to publicly yet anonymously bitch about each other, but we don't want to come across as quite that bitter and combative. We each hereby resolve to occasionally say something nice about the other on this blog. But don't worry, there won't be much.

Do I Have to Do Everything Myself?

Apparently so. I'm sorry for the lack of updates lately. Husband kept saying he would write something but here it is Monday morning and you lovely people have nothing to read while avoiding work.

I intended to write more this weekend but Husband and I had a very productive domestic weekend. We are still trying to get unpacked almost seven months after moving into our house. This weekend we attacked the office, and now I have bunches of pretty color coded folders for all of our important papers. Yay label maker!

Anyway, on Saturday night at about 11 p.m. I was trying to dig through a pile of papers about my old 401k and Husband was bothering me so I gave him a box of things I've saved from our dating days to look through for fun. There were old movie stubs, birthday cards, and a letter which neither of us remembers in which he promised me that he would indeed want to marry me in his own time.

So that was all cute and sweet and it kept him occupied for awhile. However, I forgot that the box also had some mementos left over from a couple of guys I dated before Husband. He was all, "We're married now. We don't have any secrets anymore." And I was all (in a screechy howler monkey voice), "Give it to me! Give it to me right now! Ahhhhhh!"

I didn't even remember an apparently serious conversation Husband and I had about our future together, so I had no idea what else might be in that little box. A few years ago my mom gave me a cute Pro/Con pad from Container Store as a stocking stuffer. In a moment of single boredom and probably fueled by wine and/or Haagen-Dazs, I used it to evaluate dead relationships. I decided that the humor of these outweighed the embarrassment and shared them with Husband. Here's a sampling.

Serdar - a guy from Turkey I dated for a couple of months. It was winter and he was cuddly and that was about the extent of things.

Pros:

• He's hot
• He's cuddly
• Good hair
• Nice to my cats
• Tells me I'm pretty

Cons:

• Not a good kisser
• Bad dresser
• Purple car
• Floral sheets
• Language barrier
• No pepperoni (Funny because Husband won't share a pepperoni pizza with me either.)
• Doesn't like football
• Possibly porn on work computer
• Bad teeth
• No long-term potential
• Embarrassed to buy flowers
• Gives bad gifts (Brought me a Charlie Chaplin DVD from Turkey that wouldn't play on my American DVD player. And I wasn't sad. Who buys that for a woman?)
  
• Brings me cheesecake, which makes me fat
  
• General sketchiness

Ben - I believe he was the only guy I met on eHarmony besides Husband who had ever been on a date before. Anyway, we only dated for about a month but it was significant to me because he dumped me. Completely blindsided me. He thought things were moving too fast. He thought I joined eHarmony to find a husband. I thought, "I am really ready for a serious relationship. But first I am going to spend all summer making out with this Ben guy. And then in the fall I will dump him and find a real boyfriend." But you can't tell that to a guy who's just dumped you without sounding like you're back peddling.

Pros:

• Nice apartment
• Affectionate
• Cooks
• Makes me laugh
• Says I'm pretty without makeup
• Good kisser
• Not afraid of children
  
• Handy
• Brings me flowers
• Smells good
  

Cons:

• Too young
• Too much beer
• Too much TV
• [something disparaging about his man parts]
  
• Republican
• Shitty breakup excuse
• Boob pictures (He had a photo album that included a bunch of pictures of female friends topless. I think they were from Mardi Gras, but why would he put that in an album? Especially one that included pictures of his baby nephew? So people would know he had seen boobs before?)
  
• Made my lawn chair bend
• Says "f-in" and "wiener"
• Lied about his height (I didn't care that he was short, just that he was insecure about it.)
  
• Smokes

Hope it was worth the wait. I promise to update more often.